***Disclaimer: I’m sorry to make light of a situation that is actually quite serious, but I’ve now come to the point where the only way I can not completely shatter my faith in humanity is by pretending that Roger Clemens is a not a part of it and by laughing it off. This man is just a huge pile of scum, and I’m venting in my off-brand way. So, if you are not prepared for a post that is at moments of questionable taste, please read no further. ***
Okay, so I knew he was slime, and I may have fired off just about every other hideous insult and insinuation that I could at the man, but pedophile was never one upon which even I dared to tread. Well, it’s like my father told me the summer before I was a camp counsellor: “Son, be careful. Fifteen’ll get you twenty.”
Now here is a question for all you budding statisticians and econmetricians out there: is there any way to tease out or assign linear weights to Mindy McCready’s problems as an adult? I mean, is she screwed up and in legal trouble because of the normal trappings of fame, or is it all based on the Lolita/statutory rape thing? I would imagine that sex with an Ohioan claiming he is a born-and-bred Texan would be traumatic for a woman of any age (and maybe force her to express her mental anguish through bizarre and obscene ways), but for a 15-year-old to be forced to base all future sexual experiences off of this, well, it is no surprise that she has had a rough time.
I knew he was a dick, and I doubt there is a baseball player out there that hasn’t attempted to steal home on at least one of their lengthy roadtrips away from their wives, but seriously? 15? When you are 28? For reference, I’m 27 and I teach college students. I’m freakin’ creeped out by how young most of the freshman look, and most of them are 18 (correction, I’m creeped out by what they wear while looking so young, but the point stands). Sure, maybe I get the occasional 17-year-old in class who looks like she could be 19. Maybe I’ve dabbled once or twice in those websites where 21-year-olds pretend to have just turned 18. But 15? Come on, Roger. That’s still in puberty. That’s still “hey, I might still grow another 3 inches” young. That is really creepy. You were 28. You could drink. You could vote. You could rent a car without getting charged those higher rates. She didn’t even have her learner’s permit. She was younger than those brats on MTV who bitch about not getting a big enough party for their 16th birthday. For Chrissakes, I needed a workers permit to get my summer job when I was 15. I think I had my first kiss around that age, not my first emotionally traumatic sexual experience with a fat hillbilly (note: I was 19). But hey, I’m sure it was very romantic for you. You’re only human, right? What was it, though? Did you find it sexy that, like you, she had never taken the SAT? Were you kindred spirits because you both still read at a 9th-grade level? She sang lyrics that really touched your soul? Lyrics like, “Stuffed animals are my life” or “I’m looking forward to having to shave my legs” or “Gosh, I sure do love it when older men take me out, because then I get to watch R-rated movies” ? Was it her song about turning ten, “Double-Digit Gidget”? What the hell is wrong with you, you horrid, inhuman, prick?!?
What a sleaze. I’d no longer be shocked by anything. In fact, I’m going to google Clemens right now to see if there are any pictures of him clubbing a baby seal.
